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Chapter Nine

Synopsis and Excerpt

Sex with Pierre

Illustration by Jeannie Winston

In Sex with Pierre, the author discusses her sex life with Pierre, dealing with many of the stereotypes, which are mostly true. "Pierre has a very active libido, like most Frenchmen. He could have sex often. Okay, very often. So, he must sometimes get crafty in order to get the object of his desire — me — into the mood, the sack, whatever. Thankfully, this often translates to an offer of massage. By the time he reaches my lower regions, I am such putty in his hands I would swear on the Bible that Gumby is my younger brother...." She explores the "romantic" Frenchman, the French preference for butts over breasts, and the affair factor: "It's not that American men don't have affairs or follow their dick around as if it were the king's ransom, it's just that the French are more natural about it. They pursue attached women with a certain 'inalienable right' kind of zeal — like it is their mission on Earth, their God-given privilege, to blindly surrender to the crotch directive whenever it strikes. Attempting tofight it is such hard work, and the French much prefer to play." She also riffs on sexual attitudes of the French, French women, their sexual appetites, their obsession (and her own) with cellulite, and the importance of charm in a woman: "Pierre is generally not attracted to American women. 'They don't know how to flirt,' he complains. 'Right away, they ask you to go to bed wiz them. I mean, I don't mind, but it takes away from the fun. It is not charming.'"

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