Kouraj Press Logo Sex, Cheese and French Fries

Excerpt from Sex, Cheese and French Fries

Chapter One

My French Husband

Illustration by Jeannie Winston

Help! My husband is French!

Some people disagree with me on this, but I say relationships are work. That's not a negative comment on how hard it can be to maintain your sanity when you live with someone who seems bent on driving you crazy. Work is not a bad thing. Most things worth having require time, energy, patience, and a good nighttime mouth-guard for all that teeth-grinding, and relationships are no different.

But my husband is French so I feel that puts me in a special category, as in, I have special needs. Why? Although I'm happily married, I have to say that the French can be...difficult? That question mark is not indicative of a real question. It's more in line with that way we Californians have of inserting a question mark at the end of any statement because the speaker seeks your agreement?

In any case, it's true that the French are special, even though I admit that the more I hear women talk about their husbands, the more it seems we're all married to a bunch of crazy foreigners.

Pierre Bonsoirno Is Born

In the war between the sexes, it's good to have allies. When your husband tells you that he took the dog with him to visit friends who raise chickens because she needs to learn that she can't eat live chickens! with the same intensity as If you want to see a therapist you can go by yourself! you know you might need to stock up on boxing gloves. You also know that you might need a little help along the way.

My husband's name is not Pierre Bonsoirno. It was our friend, Jackson, who started calling him Pierre — more like Pee-erre, really — whenever he went into insufferable French mode.

"Listen, Pee-erre, I'm not finished," Jackson says one day, voice raised and aggressive after being interrupted by my French husband (MFH for short) eight times in five minutes. He then turns and looks at me to make sure I know he is kidding. I start giggling at the Pee-erre thing, and like a six-year-old, happy with his audience's reaction, Jackson turns back to MFH and gets even louder.

"I'm sick and tired of you thinking you know every goddamn thing in the world, Pee-erre. Yeah." He turns to look at me again and we all start snickering, including MFH, the busted Frenchman.

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